one foot in the closet

I don't know if I could ever be completely out. It seems like there will always be people I don't want to (or can't) tell I'm queer. My grandparents, friends from church, co-workers...
Perhaps I'd change my mind if I ever had a girlfriend... but who knows.

I wish I could tell my dad... my mom and sister already know so he's the only member of my immediate family who doesn't have a clue... but perhaps it's best to keep it that way for now. He's so heterocentric that the notion probably hasn't crossed his mind...

Thinking about all this makes me sad...

oh, woe.

Why now?
I have just gotten to know this girl really well. We're really starting to click and I think she's awesome and totally cute and I think she kinda likes me too.
But she's a senior and graduating and leaving, and after this week who knows when and if I'll ever see her again.

I finally find someone I could see myself with, and it's doomed from the start.

She wants to hang out later this week, so hopefully we will and maybe I can tell her how sad I am she's leaving and maybe... something will happen.
But maybe not.

I feel I shouldn't dare to hope...

exhaustion.

I wish I had the energy to write an entry right now.
School is almost over and... I am just... overwhelmed.

numb

So, if you couldn't tell from my last entry, I had a friend who was killed in the shooting at Virginia Tech. His name was Ryan Clark and he was the RA of the dorm where the first shooting was and yes, he was gay. He was also one of my sister's best friends.
I was already depressed when I found out about the shooting. I didn't find out about Ryan until about 6pm Monday night, and my sadness was multiplied by a hundred and I've felt shitty all week.
I don't know what to do. I've been really irritable and bitchy to everyone, but when I'm alone, I get really depressed and I can't motivate myself to do anything.
I think I should talk with a counselor sometime soon...

I really just wish I could be home right now.

God Loves Homo(phobe)s

Ryan, they said God let Cho kill all those people because you were gay.
Even though you were trying to trying to help. You were trying to stop him.
They said that even though they didn't know you. They didn't know what a wonderful person you were.

God doesn't hate fags and he doesn't even hate homophobes.
Why?

Because God is love.

pit-pat

I have a date with a girl on Monday.
It will be my first date with a girl... ever.
Excitement?

yes.

King

How weird is it that my gay male friend tells me he's attracted to me when I dress in drag?